Not so Koi.

I've been jet setting again, so I haven't been here to bore those with my words. However, fear not, i'm back... Let me warn the four of you who read this, this one will be pretty blunt in asking questions and making comments that may or may not offend some of you. You've been warned. While I was in Wyoming, on vacation, I had plenty of time to think, which is never a good thing with a disgusting mind like mine. It wanders too much. I found myself pondering whether or not I would ever be desired again by my fiance, and, if I can find the balls, my soon-to-be husband. Not that we have any "issues," but I kept thinking, he's told me that he views me so differently than before. Once he noticed my pout starting to come on, he explained, "So much more..." I'm so much more to him, now. Well, that's a good thing, right? I don't know. I think I was totally fine with being the vixen who spent a couple hundred dollars on "costumes" to entertain him with. I liked being the girl who dressed up as the naughty ref, complete with whistle. I don't know if I WANT to be more than that...
     I guess I've seen too many shows where the guy truly loves his wife but can't view her like "that" anymore so he strays to the stupid bit*h flirting with him at work...Sure, does it mean anything to him, no, it never does, but he does it, because he's a man and not genetically programmed to say NO to that...See, you see what my head does? I have ZERO reason to worry about my future because as good guys go, I have one. I have one of the best. I know this. I don't know why he wants me, but I'm fortunate he does. That doesn't mean I don't freak myself. Luckily, though, I was reading that our minds, when pregnant, often conjure up these odd ideas. I blame it on that.
    I've told Kip he's not allowed in the room when I'm giving birth because I don't want him to see me "like that." He laughs at me and says, "i'm going to be in there." I really don't want him in there, at all. Are you kidding me, this is worse than bumping into someone at the gym when you've just ran four miles and have no makeup on. YOu're squeezing something out of your lady parts that used to draw him in...You're sweaty, bloated, bloody, there is NOTHING beautiful about it. I told him he's welcome to come in once the kid comes out, gets cleaned up, I get cleaned up, add some concealer and lip gloss...He's not having that. He did compromise, he'll stand at my head. Yah, no sh*t you'll stand at my head. You'll stand at my head, looking the other way, that's what you'll do.
   I also realized I definitely don't want to do this alone. I had a hard time in my early, early pregnancy with being a moody cow, wondering if it would be easier alone, in my own place, doing things as I want, not having to apologize for breaking down during a commercial or burping in the middle of a sentence....It took me about two weeks without Kip to realize that I don't want to do this alone. Any of it. Not only is he really my best friend, but he knows just the ratio of Chlorine Remover to Water in the Koi pond. I nearly killed his fish while he was gone...Pond sprung a leak, I didn't know what to do...
    Anyway, I love him, and that's good to remember when I think, "will he ever look at me like he used to? Does it just turn into boring mom and dad stuff? Is there any romance after a baby? Will he want to sleep with me after? Will my amazingly plump and wonderful new breasts deflate like my ego?" He keeps saying to me, "Mindy, we're going to be just fine, don't you worry. I'm on your team. I'm the team captain."

Life On The Road, and Off...

     It was just another typical Sunday in Nashville, having brunch at Reba's. I know, I named dropped. It's ok, I'm a certified name dropper. Reba, if you didn't know, is one of the artists I'm fortunate enough to work with at The Valory Music Co. She is also one of the classiest people I've ever known, hence inviting us to her home to enjoy brunch. So, somewhere between watching other, luckier people, enjoy mamosa's and staring at the back of her enormous, beautiful home that backs up to an incredible lake, I asked her, randomly about her favorite vacation spot. Without skipping a beat, she answered, "Bora Bora." Interesting, considering I'd just seen some advertisements on Tahiti and fell in love. I want to stay in a hut on the ocean. I want to wake up, walk outside, and jump in the ocean. So, I told Kip that's where we need to honeymoon. Several of my friends and family have pointed out to me that I should pick a wedding date before I plan the honeymoon...Details...

    So, this weekend I flew to Shreveport, LA on Saturday, for Reba/George/LeAnn Womack concert. Shreveport was HOT, no alligator sightings, unfortunately. However, it happened, someone assumed I was pregnant and farther along than I am. The worst part? It was a WOMAN--ladies YOU KNOW BETTER. As Melissa says, you NEVER ASSUME. I don't care if I'm signing the birth certificate--ACT SURPRISED. TO be fair, I was holding my stomach and wearing a shirt that was tight, so she asked, "Do we know what it is?" Of course, it stung, but I smiled, "Not yet, I find out next week." Thinking that was the end of it, I smiled politely. THEN, that hag looks at me, with huge eyes, as if to say, "you're practically crowning and you don't know the sex?" I know something is coming but I didn't know it'd be this, "Are we sure there's only one in there?" I don't know if my face showed my true feelings, which were, "Lady, run, because I am about to cut you." I assured her there was only one, smiled, and walked away before I ended her life prematurely. 

     The next morning I flew to Dallas with my friend Kate, and my "i'm knocked up" announcer, Melissa Peterman--who is my blonde sister. We've decided that. Stay tuned for her upcoming comedy album. Anyway, flights were fine that day, eventually made it to Albuquerque for a show with Justin Moore. I wasn't as lucky the next day, though...I was kicked out of my hotel by 12:30, which was as "late" as they'd give me for late checkout, and after the cleaning women had knocked on my door 309843094 times, I figured I should just leave. My flight wasn't until five pm that night, so I sat in the airport for a LONG time. Right before we were supposed to board, my flight gets cancelled. No problem, I travel a lot and it doesn't happen very often. I wait in line for a while, finally get to the counter, the woman is overwhelmed. She stares at the computer for about six minutes before addressing me. I explain that I'd like to at least get "half-way" home by that night. After about another six minutes she says, "How fast can you run?" She told me to run to another gate, she would call ahead and I would board the plane and make it home sometime around midnight. I held my fat stomach and waddled quickly towards the other gate. When I got there the woman motioned me on the plane. I had no idea where I was going. Of course the flight was almost full so I was smashed between two people sweating like a whore in church, wondering where I was going, East, I hoped, when I heard the flight attendant go, "Now, sit back, relax, and enjoy your short flight to Las Vegas!" At that point, I just laughed, out loud...Once I arrived in Vegas I walked up to the desk and explained to the nice woman that I'd like to make it home, to Nashville, asap...She put me on a flight, and must have had pity on me, because I was one of the first to board. SHOCKINGLY--thank you Southwest Airlines, my bag made it WITH ME. I have no idea how, but it was there. I crawled into bed after 1:30a.m. Life on the road, not always glamorous. 

Hormonal Ramblings Part One

Today probably wasn't the day to start a blog. However, after reading a few of my friend's blogs I was inspired to keep all three of you, who are interested, up-to-date on my being "with child." I'm supposed to post pictures of my "bump" but i'm already afraid someone will say, "Awe, that's so cute, you must be due any day!" I would like to avoid that but will eventually suck it up, stick it out and snap a photo of it.

On a positive note, my boobs are fantastic. I have grown out of the training bra i've been sporting for a good 15 years. They even bounce and everything. Granted, for the first two months if someone even looked at my boobs I took them out. If felt like someone had shoved too much sausage in a casing. I'm not sure what that feels like or why I chose that analogy.

I suppose I will start with the story of the night of the immaculate conception--I'm a lady, how else do you think it happened? It was a smoldering hot night where the only thing thicker than the humidity was my ass...Ok. I'll try to be serious. It was my birthday, because who DOESN'T want to get lucky on their birthday? Kip had planned a surprise dinner with a few very close friends. After dinner we decided to head to a dive bar with another couple. There, we proceeded to drink as if we were in college... We spent the night at our friend's house, the couple we were out with. Kip would not leave me alone, probably because I looked particularly attractive with that "glazed over" look, makeup half on your face, half not. Keep in mind, he wears glasses. Glasses coupled with the beer goggles he'd been wearing all night--I was HOT. Ok, he would have passed out, I'm sure, but I happen to get frisky when I drink, or when I don't, or when I just generally breath...

A few days later something hit me, "Oh shit, I might have been ovulating." Why, you ask, would I know when I ovulate if I wasn't TRYING to get pregnant? I will tell you. In November of 2008 I had a miscarriage. Once you've become pregnant once, you're sort of aware of these things. Well, my suspicion was correct, I not only ovulated AROUND that time, but within HOURS of our "incident." I had a feeling. About a week later I took a test, and then another, and then a few more...Here we are.